Even if you’ve never read The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, you still might appreciate this satirical look at parenting from Satan himself. Pastor James L. Melton, the C.S. Lewis of these commandments, follows his work with a simple and infinitely more correct Proverb.
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
SATAN’S TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR PARENTS
Thou shalt not take thy children to a Bible-believing church
That’s right, the last thing I need is a generation of children who learn to believe and obey God’s word! Take your sons and daughters to a big and liberal church where there are scores of fun activities to waste their time and rob them of any chance to really learnthe Bible. Don’t take them to an old-fashioned and fundamental church where the King James Bible is believed, preached and taught.
Thou shalt not teach thy children to know and serve Jesus Christ
I’ll never populate Hell if you allow your children to see their lost condition and their need to have their sins washed away in the blood of Jesus Christ! Let them wait until they are older so they can decide for themselves what to believe. By then, I’ll have them so brainwashed they’ll never be saved. Tell them when to get up, when to take a bath, what to eat, when to be home and when to go to bed, but don’t tell them what to believe about God, the Bible, and Jesus Christ.
Thou shalt not spank thy children
I want to produce a whole generation of self-serving rebels who are not disciplined and who do not respect any moral authority– including God. When this happens, I will rule the world and damn billions to Hell forever! I need YOUR help! DON’T spank that child!
Thou shalt enroll thy children in a day care center
Mom, don’t even think of staying home to train up your children! Sure, the Bible commands women to be “keepers at home,” but who believes the Bible these days? Your family can’t make it on a single income. Get yourself a job and let my specially trained day care agents start working on your children. You make the babies and let me handle the rest.
Thou shalt enroll thy children in the public school system
Don’t even think of home schooling or a private school. You just trust me to educate your children the way I think best. The public school system is packed full of my agents. We’ve already thrown the Bible, the Ten Commandments and prayer out of the schools. Now we’re having the time of our life! We’ll teach your kids that they have evolved from animals so they’ll feel no obligation to honor and obey their true Creator. Then we’ll let them dress any way they choose while teaching them all about sex. We’ll even have a few dances each year so they can rub their bodies together while listening and dancing to the most ungodly music the world has ever known. With a little luck, your kids will have their own kids before finishing high school, which just means more day care prospects for me! Don’t you just love my system?!!!!
Thou shalt allow thy children to walk, talk, dress and act like all other children
You wouldn’t want you child to feel strange or different from other kids, would you? Of course you wouldn’t! You want your child to grow up to fit into the world, to feel accepted and normal in society. That’s exactly what I want! I want everyone to just fit in with society – to conform to the trends and fashions of the day. I have the majority of the earth’s population marching right into Hell without even knowing it. Don’t ask questions about your children’s conduct, their styles, and their trends. Just accept it as “the latest thing” and let me direct their footsteps. I know just where they need to be and I know just how to get them there!
Thou shalt teach thy children to worship sports
Ah, yes! Let’s not forget that one! Let’s keep that child’s mind occupied all the time lest they start thinking and asking questions about God, the Bible and Jesus Christ! I want them playing baseball, softball, basketball, football, ballet, swimming, track, gymnastics, and everything else you can find. In addition to this, buy them shoes and clothing endorsed by famous sports figures and take them to every sporting event possible. With a little effort, you can waste at least ten or fifteen hours every week! Hopefully, by the time they’re grown they’ll be reading the sports page and watching the sports channel every day while never reading the Bible.
Thou shalt provide thy children with unrestricted entertainment
Don’t deprive your kids of all the things that other kids enjoy, such as Internet access, their choice magazines, video games, television and movies. These are perfect mediums by which I am reaching millions of young people every day. They’re listening to my music, looking at my pictures, and applying my self destructive principles in their lives. It’s amazing how willing parents are to turn their kids over to me, but they’re certainly doing it. So please don’t ask questions or investigate the choice entertainment of your sons and daughters.
Thou shalt permit thy sons and daughters to start dating by the age of sixteen
Preferably before then, like maybe thirteen or fourteen, but certainly no later than sixteen! Other teenagers date, so why shouldn’t your teens date? Other teenagers experiment with sex, drugs and alcohol, so why shouldn’t your teens do likewise? You think, “Oh, my teen wouldn’t do anything like that!” Yeah, right! I’m so glad you foolish parents have such short memories! I’m so glad you’ve forgotten your teenage years! One of my greatest assets in ruining your child is your belief that your child is different and wouldn’t do any wrong. You make my job so easy – and fun!
Thou shalt not receive counsel from any Christian
When you encounter a Christian who has exceptionally well behaved children, you will be tempted to seek advice from them on raising your own children. DON’T! These people are religious nuts. They believing in training up children GOD’S WAY, which is the old-fashioned way. This is the twenty-first century, a new age with a new way of life. Away with God and the Bible! Away with Jesus and fundamental churches! Live like you want to live! After all, you only live once, and then you’ll be in Hell forever – along with your kids! Just fear me and keep MY commandments, and we’ll all be together one day – sooner than you may think!
Your’s Truly . . . . . Lucifer